It is a chilly, rainy day here in Chicago. I am at home, using my only sick day, taking long naps interrupted by comically urgent hustles to the bathroom. Josh left for a trip last night. I have spent evenings away from him before, but last night was different, stark, restless. I laid in the dark for hours before finally dozing off around four o'clock. A night like that will make you feel pretty pathetic. Something about that empty bed knotted anxiety inside me, and I was beleaguered by the realization that, if this arrangement were not temporary, and Josh never came back, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go on alone.
Last night was a brutal reminder of how easily I succumb to fear. I battle a dark distrust of my God, a paralyzing anxiety that He will rip Josh from my life at any time, leaving me alone with a gaping emptiness. If I lost him, would I cling to my God, or curse His name? Would I press on, or would I crumble to pieces in an empty bed?
When the world comes crashing down around my feetAnd I can't see ten feet in front of meJesus, I know that You are strong when I am weakSo please help me allow You to be my everythingNo matter what this day will bring, I will lift my hands and singOh, be my everythingI'll make my life an offering, in You alone I believe
Oh, be my everything- Everything by Telecast
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.