Twelve Months : Zwölf Monate

Everything is changing. In the span of twelve months we have stepped into a divide, into a season of prolonged transition from Chicago to Berlin. I didn't update my blog regularly in 2014, so I thought you might like to see a month-by-month snapshot of our year!

January : Januar  Ice, snow, and record temperatures in Chicago. Josh and I decided to pursue the opportunity which had been presented to us in November—to serve as communications coordinators in Berlin, Germany! After a blur of personality tests, theological questionnaires, doctor visits, and reference forms, we submitted our application materials to ReachGlobal.

We both ache to explore a new environment together, to tell the stories well, to finally have the luxury of devoting our waking, working hours to creative endeavors. Is this what you have for us, God? Are we ready to leave our friends and church to immerse ourselves in German culture? 
– 29 January 2014

February : Februar  Josh and I packed our suitcases and drove to icy Minneapolis for three days of interviews. The ReachGlobal staff made us feel affirmed and deeply cared for, and we left with a sense of peace.

March : März  We were accepted as long-term staff members with ReachGlobal!

April : April  I spent weeks rehearsing a cantata to be performed at a Maundy Thursday service, and Holy Week stirred my soul for the first time in years. I turned twenty-four. Josh surprised me with a gorgeous hotel room in downtown Chicago and a brewery tour in Wisconsin. (Yes, I'm a good German.)

May : Mai  Josh and I took another trip to Minneapolis for an intense week of training. Later in the month, my dad came to visit us in Chicago!

We have truly turned a corner in this journey. From today onward, nothing will be the same. 
– 10 May 2014

June : Juni  We celebrated three years of marriage! Josh transitioned to a part-time job, and we began to ease into the fundraising process.

I kind of resent that You're asking us to do this—approach family and friends and coworkers and churches for money. It is strange and uncomfortable and almost... impetuous. I keep finding myself glaring at You with a knot in my stomach, hating every minute of this. 
– 02 June 2014 

July : Juli  Josh and his dad took a trip to the West Coast and I continued working full-time at Moody. It was a relatively quiet month, complete with plenty of grilling, porch-sittin', and late nights with friends. Josh and I booked our flights to meet the Berlin team!

August : August  Josh's sister got married in Maryland! One week later, we were off to Berlin to meet the team and explore the city. It was our first time visiting Europe (let alone Germany), and we absolutely loved it. You can view some of my photos from the trip here.

September : September  Josh and I came home from an incredible week in Berlin. A few days later, ReachGlobal officially finalized our placement with the Berlin team! I began to wrestle with the idea of being a missionary.

I want to run away from You and Your call and Your care but you have gripped me. The liturgy, the melodies, the warmth in the eyes of a friend, the stories handed down. Despite my doubts and fears and guilt and anger, I think my heart still beats for You.
– 09 September 2014

October : Oktober  Josh and I worked through a six-week, online class for ReachGlobal. As the days grew darker, time spent within my close community seemed all the more life-giving. I began to realize just how deeply I am rooted in Chicago.

These days seem tender. Tonight I flipped through my ever-growing binder of sheet music from our church to read the words and liturgy, and I paused occasionally to sing some of the songs. Then, I started. Pangs of grief shot between my lungs, and I glanced at the map on our wall. I measured with my eyes the inches between push pins, the miles between Chicago and Berlin. The romance of the adventure has cooled in my heart, at least for tonight. I don't know if everything is going to be okay. I pray for courage, for peace of mind, resilience and renewed love for You.
– 06 October 2014

November : November  We traveled to North Carolina for Thanksgiving! It was great to be reunited with our families, and Josh and I had the opportunity to give a presentation to the church we attended as kids. After the church service, we hopped in the car and knocked out the 16-hour stretch to Chicago. We collapsed into bed at 5:00 a.m. to sleep for a few hours, then I returned to work and Josh hopped in a different car for a road trip to the West Coast.

December : Dezember  While Josh was away, I took time to reflect on our trip to the South, on the past few years, on the diverse experiences which have beautifully layered under my feet to hoist me to this new ledge. Josh returned safely home to me, and we settled in for a quiet Christmas in Chicago.

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We would love for you to follow our story as we prepare for ministry in Germany. If you'd like to receive a little update from us once in awhile, sign up for our newsletter here!

Everything is changing, v. 3

I just stumbled upon a journal entry I wrote in April 2013, long before Josh and I first heard about ReachGlobal in Berlin. My faith felt frail at the time, and to make matters worse, I was incredibly frustrated with my job. 

My cubicle at my former job, cleaned out on my last day.

I still remember the Spirit clamoring on that April evening, pleading with me as I washed dishes at the sink. Sit. Be still. Talk to me. As I slammed the last dripping plate into the dishwasher, I gave up the fight. I wiped down the counter, retrieved my journal, and took a seat in the empty living room. Rain pattered on the skylights and a candle flickered on the coffee table. I began to write.

College is done. That once unlived adventure—lived. Mystery and anticipation—gone. Now I sit in a cubicle and answer phones. Prospective students, kind donors, rude fundamentalists and desperate radio listeners… I don’t know what to make of all these interactions, but I always come home exhausted.

What if Josh and I just went for it? We’ve been talking about traveling, about making videos and recording music, about meeting new people and just living. We don’t want a house with a picket fence in the suburbs, complete with 2.333 kids and enough money in the bank to become subtly damned consumers.  

What if this season, this time in Chicago, is a brief period that will launch us into real life, an adventure? What if we took steps into the dark and groped for your hands and giggled with excitement? Oh God, please lead us. We do not want to be safe or culturally confined.

I desire to empower people with your story. You are powerful. You reach into corpses and infuse life. You step into our history and fix your eyes on every moment—on every glimmer or hint or outright crime of murderous self-lordship—and you forgive. I want people to know that. I want to pour out myself so that others can look and live. 

– 10 April 2013

This is part of the prequel to Berlin. This is part of my story, my desire to go and do that seemed so stifled at the time. 

Potsdamer Platz, Berlin

About six months later, Josh and I were made aware of the opportunity to live and work in Germany. It seems that this ministry has been handed to us as a gift—an answer to a half-forgotten prayer on a rainy evening—and I am speechlessly grateful.

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We would love for you to follow our story as we prepare for ministry in Germany. If you'd like to receive a little update from us once in awhile, sign up for our newsletter here!

Everything is changing, v. 2

We returned from Berlin earlier this month! We spent an amazing week exploring the city, meeting the staff, and getting a feel for everyday life in Germany. ReachGlobal has finalized our placement with the Berlin team! We will spend the next twelve months developing ministry partners so that we can move to Berlin and jump into our new roles.



I fell so hard for Berlin. I wish that I could somehow fast-forward through the transitions on this side of the ocean, through the impending, foreboding, final goodbyes. I have put down deep roots in Chicago, and it feels like the spade is already hacking away and making me bleed.

On Tuesday night, we gathered with a few of our closest friends and ended up talking for hours and hours about transition and loss. We're all coping with varying degrees of uncertainty, and our parting embraces were bittersweet. I think we're realizing how quickly things are changing.  

A year from now, we'll all be gone.
 

Everything is changing, v. 1

In case you haven't heard, Josh and I are headed on quite the adventure to Berlin. (Insert ecstatic squeals and a mild panic attack here.) If all goes as planned, we will have raised our monthly support and be headed overseas by the end of next year. I am starting to grasp how soon that is, how little time we may have left in Chicago.

Our first three years of marriage have been beautifully interrupted by change after change within these city limits. We have grown. Our conceptions of community and love and hospitality and salvation have been reshaped by this bustling, transient culture, by the warmth of the people who call this city home. I don't want to forget these days.

There is a sense of peace and steadiness here, in our community. I am learning that hospitality is not an event, but a mindset. It is the daily re-opening of my eyes, heart, and home to others. It is Kingdom-building. It is a wild chase, one which is taking us to another corner of the world. New friends await us in Berlin, creative souls who may or may not have spoken to Jesus before. That excites us.

We will continue to grow. We will continue to learn how to give, and in a new city we will make our home.

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We would love for you to follow our story as we prepare for ministry in Germany. If you'd like to receive a little update from us once in awhile, sign up for our newsletter here!

We'll run, nor in Thy ways be tired

This song has been the murmuring between my moments, day after day.  Many changes lie ahead, and I am exhilarated and expectant and somewhat afraid.  This calling is a gift beyond measure, and the greatest gift is His presence in our community.

How sweet to wait upon the Lord while He fulfills His gracious Word;
To seek His face and not in vain, to be so loved and love again.

To see while kneeling at His feet, Jehovah on the mercy seat;
And Jesus, at the Lord's right hand, with His divine atonement stand!

Amen, our hearts with rapture cry!
May we with rev'rence look so high;
Ascended Savior, fix our eyes
By faith upon this glorious prize!

"Father," He cries, "I will that these before Thee on their bended knees,
For whom My life I once laid down, be with Me soon on this My throne."

Amen, our hearts with rapture cry!
May we with rev'rence look so high;
Ascended Savior, fix our eyes
By faith upon this glorious prize!

With this delightful prospect fired, we'll run, nor in Thy ways be tired;
And all the trials here we see, will make us long to reign with Thee.

Amen, our hearts with rapture cry!
May we with rev'rence look so high;
Ascended Savior, fix our eyes
By faith upon this glorious prize!

Joseph Swain, 1770s
Clint Wells and Karl Digerness, 2009

Peace

It's been pretty quiet around here since November! Winter was brutal, and the cold is still hanging in the air.  I didn't plan this hiatus from blogging, but creativity crawled right into the hibernation cave with me! I'm still not convinced that it's safe to come out. Did you know that it snowed again in Chicago yesterday? We're aching for spring.

It is Holy Week. I will be spending most of my evenings surrounded by musicians in this place, raising songs of lament and protest with the people of God. This colorful cathedral housed a Polish Catholic congregation for many years; now a motley group of Presbyterians calls it home.

On Maundy Thursday, we will sing, "peace is my last gift to you," and tremble at the betrayal which so suddenly slit flesh from bone. On Good Friday, our hearts will grow dark as we remember the stripes, the stalking demons, the simultaneous rage and silence of God. 

Peace is my last gift to you
My own peace I now leave with you
Peace which the world cannot give
I give to you

In this sanctuary we sit and speak to the darkness, clinging to the hope that, on Sunday morning, it will be safe to come out.

To kill what you hate

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I encourage you to hop over here today to read this powerful post by Heather.

Stable Song

As some of you may know, I sing. Music has been an unexpected, integral part of my relationship with God. Somehow, giving my breath to a lyric, to a harmony, to a hymn, gives breath to my belief. I heard this song for the first time a few days ago, and since then, it's nestled itself safely beneath my waking thoughts (as all great songs do), murmuring until I return to it for rest.

Remember when our songs were just like prayer
Like gospel hymns that you called in the air
Come down, come down sweet reverence
Unto my simple house and ring... and ring

Ring like silver, ring like gold
Ring out those ghosts on the Ohio
Ring like clear day wedding bells
Were we the belly of the beast, or the sword that fell?
We'll never tell

Come to me, clear and cold
On some sea
Watch the world spinning waves
Like that machine

Now I've been crazy, couldn't you tell?
I threw stones at the stars, but the whole sky fell
Now I'm covered up in straw, belly up on the table
Well I drank and sang, and I passed in the stable

That tall grass grows high and brown
Well I dragged you straight in the muddy ground
And you sent me back to where I roam
Well I cursed and I cried, but now I know
Now I know

And I ran back to that hollow again
The moon was just a sliver back then
And I ached for my heart like some tin man
When it came, oh it beat and it boiled and it rang
It's ringing

Ring like crazy, ring like hell
Turn me back into that wild haired gale
Ring like silver, ring like gold
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal
Turn these diamonds straight back into coal

the grieved soul

Come, my soul and let us try, For a little season,
Ev'ry burden to lay by, Come and let us reason.
What is this that casts you down, Who are those that grieve you?
Speak and let the worst be known; Speak and God will hear you.

O, I sink beneath the load of my nature's evil!
Full of emnity to God; Captived by the devil!
Restless as the troubled seas, feeble faint, and fearful;
Plagued with ev'ry sore disease, How can I be cheerful?

Think on what thy Saviour bore in the gloomy garden.
Sweating blood at every pore to procure thy pardon!
See him stretched upon the wood, bleeding, grieving, crying,
Suffering all the wrath of God, groaning, gasping, dying!

This by faith I sometimes view and those views relieve me;
But my sins return anew, these are they that grieve me.
Nothing good within me dwells; E'en God's love rejected,
Have not I, if any soul, cause to be dejected?

Think how loud thy dying Lord cried out, "It is finished!"
Treasure up that sacred word, whole and undiminished;
Doubt not he will carry on, To its full perfection,
That good work he has begun; Why then, this dejection?

Faith when void of works is dead; This the Scripture's witness;
And what works have I to plead, who am all unfitness?
All my powers are full of greed, blind to truth, unholy;
If from death I'm fully saved, Why am I not healthy?

Pour not on thyself too long, lest it sink thee lower;
Look to Jesus, kind and strong, mercy joined with power;
Every work that thou must do, will thy gracious Savior
For thee work, and in thee too, for his laud and honor.

The Grieved Soul, Words: Joseph Hart, 1759; Music, M.A. Hendson, 1859, Sacred Harp tune.

My problem with Pinterest

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time.

Let me start by saying this: I like Pinterest. It is a valuable, amazing resource. When I first opened my Pinterest account, I wanted my mentality toward the site to reflect intentionality and purpose. I also intended to limit the time I spent on the site. Instead, this happened:  

Click on the image for its source.

That psychotic little dude is me. Seriously. I just don't seem to have the self-discipline to use Pinterest in the resourceful way that I intended. My binges on the site have affected me in a strange, almost inexplicable way. I talked to two of my friends, Annie and Donna, who use Pinterest regularly and also happen to be tremendous thinkers. I am compelled to analyze this, to write about it, to speak truthfully about the website that I have mindlessly plunged into.

1.  Does viewing the pictures on Pinterest cause discontent in me?

Annie said something to this effect, "Pinterest is a virtual world in which we pinners can live vicariously. We can design our dream life, and it puts us in greater control of the story than reading cheap fiction. It feels more interactive and real than reading a book, but in the end, it is just as fictional." She and I agreed that Pinterest can quickly become an "outlet for our discontented spirits."  It is virtual self-improvement. Most days, I am fairly dissatisfied with my clothes and with my ability to style my hair. (Seriously, who has time for those elaborate fishtail braids?!) If I am flustered with my look, I can create an alternate look on Pinterest. A better one. My pins can scream to the world, "See? I have great taste!" I find myself pinning more, more, more... more beautiful images to label as my own, as an extension of myself. The pins reflect who I wish to be.

Now, Pinterest doesn't affect everyone that way. For Donna, the site just gives her inspiration for projects. Sometimes she actually gets up and does starts the project right then, or else she'll scribble the idea down on a notepad. Intentionality. Purpose. She writes, "If Pinterest arouses a sense of discontent in you, is it a godly discontent or an ungodly one? If it inspires you to pursue improvement in good ways, ways that are healthy and God-glorifying, it is good."

2.  Is there something else I should be doing with my time?   

My honest answer is, "Yeah, usually." There are many books and blogs that I could be reading, plenty of projects I could be working on, letters to write, recipes to try. Donna agrees, "I have come to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment at the end of a day more than the temporary pleasure of indolence." 

Now, what?

Well, I'm not deleting my Pinterest account. Not yet. I did remove the bookmark from my browser to put the site "out of sight, out of mind." I'm also approaching my time on Pinterest by asking myself, "What do I like about this image, and what does it say about who I wish to be? How can I actually employ this idea, rather than pinning and forgetting?" I told Annie, "I think it's possible to be a participant and a critic."

What has your experience with Pinterest been like?

If I had to choose one

"Truth is always from God no matter where you find it," writes Dr. Rosalie de Rosset. This hymn, originally titled "Song for the Fountain Opened," is my favorite poem. It breaks me every time.

There is a fountain filled with blood
Drawn from Emmanuel's veins
And sinners plunged beneath that flood
Lose all their guilty stains

The dying thief rejoiced to see
That fountain in his day
And there may I, though vile as he
Wash all my sins away

Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood
Shall never lose its power
'Til all the ransomed church of God
Be saved to sin no more

When this poor, lisping, stammering tongue
Lies silent in the grave
Then in a nobler, sweeter song
I'll sing Thy power to save

And since by faith I saw the stream
Thy dying wounds supply
Redeeming love has been my theme
And shall be 'til I die

William Cowper (1731-1800)

On waking up

After I graduated from college in December, I turned off my brain.  Reading did not appeal to me at all.  My job is a tremendous blessing, but it feels pretty mindless after awhile.  I have watched a lot of TV these past few months, barely filtering it, always choosing Hulu or Netflix over anything productive.  If it made me laugh, I watched it and I laughed.

The world becomes a strange, mad, painful place, and life in it a disappointing and unpleasant business, for those who do not know about God.  Disregard the study of God, and you sentence yourself to stumble and blunder through life, blindfold, as it were, with no sense of direction and understanding of what surrounds you.  This way you can waste your life, and lose your soul.

Dr. J.I. Packer
Knowing God

I feel that my mind has been reopened, my intellect stimulated, my soul suddenly made aware of its ravishing hunger for the knowledge of God.  It seems that I am finally exiting a season of recovery from undergraduate work, a season of complacency and dullness.  I want to learn again.  I want to grow. I don't want to become a ghost.

One can see them everywhere: women who are ghosts, young and old, who while living shrilly are still examples of voicelessness, of the divided soul, of longing gone wrong.

I can't say it with enough emphasis: you can't afford to be casual about any part of your life.  The misplacement of longing, the mistaking of the temporal for eternal will always turn you into a ghost.

Dr. Rosalie de Rosset
Unseduced and Unshaken: The Place of Dignity in a Young Woman's Choices

Do you have any insights on managing time well?

Quote of the day

"The culture has encouraged so much self-culture and indulgence that sometimes I wonder if we haven't told ourselves we can't be heroines in the old-time tradition. Being a heroine means being countercultural where culture or subculture is wrongheaded. Everywhere we look, people are telling stories of recovery from sin; and, of course, God's grace is marvelous beyond words. However, it is possible to choose well, to spend less time recovering and more time deepening our walk with God."

Unseduced and Unshaken: The Place of Dignity in a Young Woman's Choices
Dr. Rosalie de Rosset

Today

Do you ever struggle with your faith? I know that I do. The longer I refuse to open his Word, the less I think of him. The longer I cling to my cynicism, the more self-centered I become. How do I break out of that? Is it possible to wake up one day and simply start over, to dive headfirst into a lifestyle of faithfulness to Jesus? Is it strange to say that... feeling constantly broken is comfortable, but the prospect of accepting forgiveness and moving forward is really intimidating? 

A.W. Tozer wrote, "the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like." Today I am challenging my own perception of God, marveling at how small and unappealing I have allowed it to become.

Who is like the LORD our God, who is seated on high, who looks far down on the heavens and the earth? // Psalm 113:5-6 // Great is the LORD and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. // Psalm 145:3 // Who is like you, O LORD, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders? // Exodus 15:11

The Silence of God

"...looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him... so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faith
It's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been sane
When he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rod
And the heaven's only answer is the silence of God

It'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heart
When he has to remember what broke him apart
This yoke may be easy, but this burden is not
When the crying fields are frozen by the silence of God

And if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mob
Who are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've got
When they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that cross
Then what about the times when even followers get lost?
'Cause we all get lost sometimes...

There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knoll
In the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and cold
And He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a stone
All His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all alone

And the man of all sorrows, he never forgot
What sorrow is carried by the hearts that he bought
So when the questions dissolve into the silence of God
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
The aching may remain, but the breaking does not
In the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

Andrew Peterson

When fear strikes

It is a chilly, rainy day here in Chicago.  I am at home, using my only sick day, taking long naps interrupted by comically urgent hustles to the bathroom.  Josh left for a trip last night.  I have spent evenings away from him before, but last night was different, stark, restless.  I laid in the dark for hours before finally dozing off around four o'clock.  A night like that will make you feel pretty pathetic.  Something about that empty bed knotted anxiety inside me, and I was beleaguered by the realization that, if this arrangement were not temporary, and Josh never came back, I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't go on alone.

Last night was a brutal reminder of how easily I succumb to fear.  I battle a dark distrust of my God, a paralyzing anxiety that He will rip Josh from my life at any time, leaving me alone with a gaping emptiness.  If I lost him, would I cling to my God, or curse His name?  Would I press on, or would I crumble to pieces in an empty bed?

When the world comes crashing down around my feet

And I can't see ten feet in front of me

Jesus, I know that You are strong when I am weak

So please help me allow You to be my everything

No matter what this day will bring, I will lift my hands and sing

Oh, be my everything

I'll make my life an offering, in You alone I believe

Oh, be my everything

- Everything by Telecast

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief.

Goals for a new season

It's been one month since I started my full-time job!  I am so blessed.  Now that I have the predictable schedule of a grown person, I am rethinking some aspects of our lifestyle.  Here are some goals I've set...

1. Try at least one recipe from Pinterest per week
2. Pack lunches so that Josh and I can avoid spending money at the cafeteria
3. Watch a little less Hulu Plus during the day
4. Take advantage of our wonderful camera as often as possible
5. Keep those stunning flowers alive a few days more

Do you have any springtime goals?

The Hunger Games

via

 

Even if you haven't seen the newly released movie or read the books, I'm sure you've been hearing all about The Hunger Games.  This engaging series by Suzanne Collins explores the effects of violence, poverty, and injustice upon adolescents.  It is a dark, horrific tale, speckled with triumph and all-too-brief moments of redemption, a marvelously written story which is difficult to put down.  Whether you're a parent or student, allowed to read the books or not, you should at least read up on this phenomena which has so captivated our culture.  I recommend two articles to you:

"Hungry for the Hunger Games: Why We Need Dystopian Tales" by Monica Selby
"Engaging the Hunger Games" by Rachel Held Evans

For those of you who have read it... what did you think?!  I am part-way through the final book of the trilogy, and I am eager to dialogue about the series!

Casting

We were exhausted, but we didn't go to sleep.  Our direction is changing.  There are many decisions to be made. We laid together in the lamplight, talking and talking.

Marriage is sweet.  Life is complicated.  Our God is magnificent.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."

I Peter 5:6-11

Happy

These past few days have been so, so good.


Even the part when we accidentally dripped grease onto the oven floor, set off the smoke detector, and had to open all the windows.


Our apartment still smells like nasty bacon-smoke.

The Super Bowl was last night.  What could be better than a crowded Chicagoan apartment of friends?  There was much bitter rooting against the Patriots, laughter during the outrageous half-time show, and groaning at the mediocre commercials.  And we ate and ate.

I'm trying to get more creative with my outfits.  I am usually a slave to Old Navy V-necks and skinny jeans, but I'm trying to branch out a little.  It's fun to experiment with what I already have in the closet!

 

   


I got a new job last week (a second job, really) and it's awesome!  I work as a receptionist at a Pilates studio downtown.  I get to wear butt-huggin' yoga pants and make Starbucks runs for the instructors and schedule appointments for amazingly friendly clients.  I love it.


  So excited for this new season!